Jan. 2nd, 2011

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i'm not punking out on the meme, i've just been incredibly ill for the past three days. on that note, i'm going back to bed. i'll play catch up when i can sit up longer than 10 minutes at a time.
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Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.

i feel like everyone has disrespected their parents in some form or another be it consciously or not. in my teen years, i disrespected pretty much everyone in some way. i was angry, awkward and depressed, what do you expect? even still, i don't remember actually outwardly being disrespectful to my mom amidst the books flying at my head, fists of fury and full beer can black eyes. i do remember hitting her back once, and i dropped the broad. probably not one of my most sparkling moments, and to this day i feel really bad about it knowing what addict behaviour is, and that the person hitting me wasn't really her. I go through phases where i'm incredibly spiteful of her for many things, mostly being too selfish to raise a child and keeping me from my father, but the older i get the more i see a scared little woman with social anxiety that would make any of you look like social butterflies (even you two, [livejournal.com profile] back_in_blackand [profile] shadowsound. oh and you guys should totally hook up because i think you'd get along famously. just putting it out there). the more i learn about the psychology of addicts, and the psychology of people in society, the more i understand her decisions. not condone, but understand. recently she's reached out to me in a "what about me? do you still like me?" kind of way, and she is so awkward around me. i feel i've got enough social anxiety and know enough people with massive scale social anxiety that i try to facilitate the conversations to keep her comfortable. i know i've spouted off many times about how much i hate her, but the truth is - i don't. i feel sorry for her, and not in that condescending way, but in that "i want to be there for her" way. she recently got an eyeful of what has become of my dad, and i think she was humbled. she actually teared up when she watched justin help him up some stairs to use the bathroom at my nephew's birthday party, and this was before he was 100% wheelchair bound. the dad thing is why i have held such a grudge against her for so long, and i think she sees why now.

wow, totally off topic.

it seems to me that our generation was the last generation with any respect for our parents. i hear shit out of kids mouths these days that would have gotten me smacked into next week. seriously, you'd come over looking for me and my mom would be all like "you'll have to come back next friday where her smart ass got put." and you'd be all like oO. it seems that children are increasingly running households, and that ain't right. parents are afraid to discipline their children for fear of repercussions, but it has created a generation of self-important fucktards that have no respect for elders or authority. like holding doors open for people, or saying sir and ma'am. that shit is dead with the younger generations. i'm sure there's exceptions, but not many.

me personally, i've learned a certain amount of respect for my parents, like not talking over them, not yelling at them, yanno, the basics. especially my father, as he's been disrespected his whole life, he deserves a little goddamn common decency. its sad that being treated like a human confuses him so much because he's been treated like a monster or a wallet all these years. and now that he's not got many years left, he just fucking deserves better.
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Day 20 - How important you think education is.

i feel that education is incredibly important, but not in the "everybody has to go to college and get a degree" kind of way. for instance, my mother and husband both never finished high school, got GEDs instead. my mother is a literary genius and my husband is an amazing success in his field. i also know people with BA's from random college x that work in entry-level retail management jobs. its all in how you use what you know, and search for more. for my personal field, i have to have a college education or else people would laugh when they saw my resume, that and the whole state board wanting people to have actual accreditation.

people should be educated about the world around them, the struggles of everyone else in the world so you know just how good/bad you have it. i feel its important to be educated in anything that's of interest to you, so you don't look like an idiot discussing it. its important to be up to date on news, and to a lesser extent politics. the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing really pisses me off, and has made it so that i can't have a good conversation with most people. I NEED MENTAL STIMULATION DAMMIT! if for nothing else, people should be educated just to appease me. yeah.

okay, i'm going back to bed.
sprinkletheif: (Default)
also, [livejournal.com profile] shadowsound, it's january 2nd and i've yet to see a meme post... ::taps foot::
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Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.

i'm going to be sad when this is over. imma have to find a new one to keep me writing.

favorite show... right now i'm really into the early episodes of anthony bordain's no reservations. i know that might sound weird, a food show on the travel channel, but bear with me.

the shows are not only about the food of people all over the nation and the world, but culture, traditions and history. strange things you never think of, like how some places its impolite to make eye contact, or in some places its customary for royalty to cook for you themselves when visiting them as an honored guest. the commentary is pretty funny too. lets just say tony didn't go to any etiquette training. you can tell he truly loves doing this, and sometimes i've found myself welling up when he gets all retrospective about where he is. the first beruit show had me really awed. the second one was really cool because you got to see how they bounced back from all of that in a matter of 3 or 4 years. i think it was thailand that was another one that really got me. i'm seeing that the later shows seem to loose the raw quality and he spends a lot of time in fancy restaurants, but i might have just watched shitty ones. i really hope it doesn't lose the honesty it had early on, its really made me want to be more world-aware.

plus you get to see him eat brains, dong and balls, which the teenager in me finds endlessly amusing. there's one that he's in namibia that the food was particularly amusing, but i won't ruin it for those of you that want to watch it on your own. suffice it to say, it was quite interesting.


Jan. 2nd, 2011 09:18 pm
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so new years eve, with people dropping off like flies who were gonna hang out and me getting increasingly sick as the day went on, i got a text from my brother. my dad had fallen again and was having a bad MS attack. we decided even though i was getting sicker by the minute that we would bring the party to dad so he wouldn't have to be alone and crippled for new years.

it was heartbreaking to say the least. almost his entire body wasn't working, except for his right hand. we had to hold him up to pee, drag him back up onto the couch when he would slide off, and that's no easy task in a tiny trailer. we eventually had to get him a bedside urinal to use because justin and i could no longer hold him up, seeing that he weighs about 220. he would sit and try to pee for a good 20 minutes, but he had no feeling so he couldn't, he just kept feeling like he had to. he kept crying and telling us that we should put him in a home and forget about him, justin and i countered with "we love you too much to ever put you away."

my brother is saying we need to figure out what to do with the family business, and we need to get dad a nurse or put him in a home. i know that they are both expecting me to drop all of my plans for law school to take over the business, but i just don't want to. why should i have to suffer because my brother was too much of a fuckup to run a goddamn business? knowing me, i'll probably end up doing it, though justin has vowed to let nothing of the sort happen.

the thing is, dad really does need a nurse. best case scenario he needs an assisted living facility so he could still have his independence. i don't even know where to begin with this, i don't know shit about VA benefits or who to contact. i know he's got disability through the VA, i don't know what that means in terms of medicare or whatever. we can't afford to do it with just one of us working, and my brother hasn't had an actual job in.. well.. ever, unless you count prison. the business *is* his job, and he slacks off on that too. this is why i'm supposed to take the reins, and i just don't want to.

i don't know what to do, where to begin. i am NOT putting my dad in a home. simple as that. he's still of sound mind, i refuse to have to sign him out to spend time with him when he's still generally able to do things on his own. its just when he has these attacks, he needs someone there 24/7, and i'm not big enough to be that person. like, physically. neither is justin. and my brother refuses, starts whining about how "everything is falling on his shoulders" while i'm the one that cooks and cleans for the guy, loads up his med planners, organizes his paperwork and does his laundry. yeah bob, you really break your back while you freeload off of him, begging for money every other day and letting him foot the bill to keep you housed and fed.

i think dad wants to move in with us but doesn't want to ask. i feel like a dickhead for saying this, but i don't think that would be a good idea. i'd lose my office, which means justin's clamoring around the house and general disregard for me trying to get things accomplished with severe ADD would seriously hinder my schoolwork, more than it already does. there's large chunks of the day no one would be here that anything could go wrong while i'm at school, and i'd be the only one to call - meaning i'd have to leave school to come help (my brother lost his license and can't drive). i don't mind the cooking, cleaning and laundry as that's my job already, but if dad falls, he's screwed because i can't pick him up. when the MS flares up, he essentially becomes "dead weight" because his muscles can't help you get any leverage. picture trying to lift a 220 lb sack of potatoes that's in incredible pain.

the fact remains that someone has to take over care for him, and i know someone needs to be going to the doctor with him to get him the meds he needs. they try to give him the bare minimum to get him by. dude's going to die soon, what does it matter that you give him a strong enough dose to be comfortable?! VA doctors are simply there to help you die it seems.

so i guess step one will be calling the VA tomorrow to see what, if anything, can be done? any suggestions?

god this sucks.
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