Jan. 4th, 2011

sprinkletheif: (Default)
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?

well, this is how 2009 started out for me. i remember meowmeow knocking on my door to wake me up. joey had been in a wreck (in MY car of course). i was also still recovering from my second spinal fusion which was going poorly and had to return to work 6 weeks early because joey couldn't find a job (read: wouldn't stop playing video games long enough to go find one). i was pretty miserable and was coming to the realization that i had to give up everything i'd worked so hard for in order to support not only myself, but another grown man and his child (when we had him). in january his tab was already at $1500, by the end of our relationship it was approaching $5000. guess how much of that he payed back?

being with him pretty much destroyed my sense of self because he clung to me so tightly. i just gave up trying to be anything but a provider to soften the blow. assimilate or be destroyed. it was hard to do that, but i really did care about the guy. hell, i still do. my misery just grew and grew, but then his father died and i had to not only be the provider, but the mental nurse, therapist and support of the entire household. i think this is about where i totally gave up and dropped out of school. he was so focused on us, and being a family that he never stopped to think that his laziness and disregard for what i wanted was crushing me. that's ultimately what ended us, i just couldn't take it anymore. i tried a million times to tell him, but that just made him hold on tighter and crush me more. bad move.

i was pretty dejected and downright emotionally destitute when justin came along. but he sparked something in me, like i've said a million times in this meme. i saw how far he'd gotten in his career by taking chances, and happy accidents, so i decided to take a leap when the situation presented itself. in retrospect, gamestop really sucked ass, but as justin says, it forced me to break my routine and move on from retail hell. if i hadn't left CVS for gamestop, id have never quit gamestop and i'd have probably never gone back to school. who knows.

internally i feel like i've grown up a lot in the last two years. i might even say i've become quite a bit more jaded than i'd like, but the reality of it is - life is brutal, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can get on with it. i've learned a lot about love, and just what it can endure. i feel that i've become less attached to people, but more appreciative of our connections. i'm slowly learning to take a more global assessment of things before starting to micromanage myself insane, which has in turn helped my ADD. i learned that having a high IQ doesn't make you smart, it just makes you look fancy on paper - and you're still capable of mistakes.

i guess the last two years has really been a "getting to know myself again" period after losing myself inside of other people and becoming a slave to other people's disregard for me. its been difficult to find my way through this because i keep thinking "i'm too old to do this" and "i'm to old to do that" without really realizing that there is still an entire world of opportunity out there if i'd just stop being afraid to grab it by the balls and make it my bitch. baby steps i guess.

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sprinklethief

February 2012

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