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i just ran 5 miles. for real. my knees and hips are going to hate me, but goddammit i just ran 5 miles. i *did* stretch and warm up first, so hopefully the hell my body is planning to put me through as punishment will be a little less than i'm anticipating.

ever since i started working out harder i've had a lot less painful days. usually it's just a half hour of light weight training and stretching, then 45 minutes or more on the treadmill. sometimes, once the endorphins are running, i lose track of time and realize i'd run for like 70 minutes.

it's getting over that first few weeks that was hard. i'm so used to caving in to the pain and laying around hating life, but i'm sick of doing that. my body seems to be resisting less and less now, so hopefully i've got a good thing going. if not i'm just going to collapse and all of my appendages are going to fall off and roll away in protest. true story. on the bright side of that, less joints = less pain...

time to hit the showers. i smell like armpit and determination...
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dad walked today. WALKED.

i don't mean half-ass holding onto the wall and shuffling either. i mean he folded up his walker and walked through my kitchen, albeit slowly and staggeringly. justin took him out to the rifle range today and they spent 5 hours shooting together. my father was so happy that he started walking when they got home. granted, i know he still needs the walker, but i haven't seen my father walk unassisted in almost 3 years.

he fucking walked.
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a really good friend of mine lost someone very close to them. it sucks ass to be so far away and not be there to help heal, and it's been bothering me since i found out. i wish there was something i can do, but i know these things can only heal on their own. it just sucks is all.
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siam curry: much better going in than coming out...
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my parent's debt, that way they could freaking relax for once. mom is always just barely squeaking by due to random catastrophes (cat having a stroke, her car randomly stopping accelerating, her husband's truck engine pooping out). and dad... dad's just been handed the shit end of every stick ever. it'd make my day to see them taken care of. even more so if they didn't know it was me.
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my over-analytical nature. i suck the fun right out of damn near everything, hence the name sprinkle thief. everyone loves sprinkles, they make people happy, and i take them away to shit in your cheerios. it isn't purposeful, i just tend to take the magic out of things for people. justin refers to it as "dr. reed-ing" for dr. reed on criminal minds. someone would be perfectly happy to not know how or why something works or behaves the way it does, to keep that little bit of mystery and magic, and i come in and poop all over it without even thinking that the person might not have actually wanted to know who the man behind the curtain was...
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so i think i may have finally kicked whatever had me sick. justin FINALLY changed the filter on the furnace (i'd been begging for months cuz i don't know how to do it) so allergies and asthma are finally staying at bay. working out doesn't burn my lungs anymore!

dad: the saga continues )

my brother's mask of sanity beginning to slip )

so that's life right now. i'm sure i could go on about mundane stuff, but i just wanted to get the big stuff out of my head and written down. besides, i have lab work to do. yaaaaay MMPI data entry!
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we're gonna have some sweet treats, good music and two girls kicking ass in the booth, so everyone should come.

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so... i've been recommended for a paid fellowship in cleveland this summer. this would be for under-served populations, victim advocacy and nonprofit management experience. it brings me to this quandary: what exactly do i want to do with my life?

i've had my goals set on law enforcement to some degree, but i think i'm finding more and more that my passions lie with protecting those who cannot protect themselves. it makes me wonder what my career path should be: law school to become an attorney with a psych background, or a psych PhD to wield as i see fit... or both (plus, dr. davis sounds pretty awesome...)? i don't know how i always end up in these situations, where i'm offered an amazing opportunity but i'm so ambivalent that i can't figure out what to do until the deadline is long passed. at least this time i don't have to give anything up because my significant other cannot be bothered to help out. justin has told me over and over again that whatever i choose to do is absolutely fine. i just want to make sure that i make the correct choice with such an amazing option handed to me, to make sure i'm not wasting his time. he has so much faith in me to change the world... i wish i had a fraction of that...

ever since i was little, i wanted to join the peace corps. this was of course after my aspirations to become president of the united states and being an ethnomethodologist subsided (yes, i was a weird kid, we've covered this in previous entries). sometimes i wonder if that isn't my place in this world - living in absolute poverty and helping to make a better life for people. i know there's no such thing as true altruism, even people who want nothing in return still obtain that sense that they helped and that makes them feel good - anyone who denies this is a liar. but so what if what makes me feel good is making sure this cluster of people get TB medication or protection against malaria. who cares if i spend my nights in a tent with a slurry of rape victims on the ivory coast... i've just always felt that i had a calling far beyond the boarders of a defunct capitalist democracy that ignores it's own people. i've never felt like i belong here, but that might just be the aspergers...

at any rate, there's my brain barf for the night. i've drunk two large cans of beck's and a bloody mary with 5 shots of vodka in it to try to get to sleep and - surprise - i'm wide awake.

whining

Jan. 27th, 2011 01:13 pm
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its january, which means i've been sick most of the days of the month. luckily my birthday i only had a sore throat and joint pain, but now i'm back to feeling like i just got ran over by a mack truck. i have no energy and even breathing feels like too much of a chore (not to mention my chest hurts). i slept 18 hours monday and still felt like i hadn't slept in days. then i couldn't sleep and still felt like i hadn't slept in days. i'm weak, i'm tired, i'm full of piss and vinegar (and mucus). its like ever since i got hit with all that sinus and respiratory crap i've not been even close to feeling healthy.

lame.

i also got diagnosed with PMDD yesterday, and the doc gave me prozac to take a week out of the month. i fail to see how a week's worth of an SSRI is capable of accomplishing anything, but anything to keep me from punching shower curtains and yelling at makeup is worth a shot.

i just need a break health-wise. this is my last freaking undergrad semester and i've already missed classes. i just want to kick ass, take names and get on with this already. eff this being sick crap.

birfday

Jan. 24th, 2011 03:27 am
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i seem to be suffering from writer's anxiety. with the meme thing, i had subjects and guides, but now its all "whatever you want to talk about" type stuff. i'm so used to editing myself over on facebook since so many drama llamas are friends with me over there, not to mention my mother and my brother...

i'm not really sure how to go about this. i have no idea how i used to be able to do this multiple times daily.

guess i'll start with friday? i DJ'd at the chamber with lori. it was fun, and the 10 people that were there that didn't come with me seemed to really like what i played. i got to see my long lost lori, play some fun music, be showered in lori's amazing wares (buy the pumpkin pie sugar scrub. seriously.) and even had a few people ask me the names of songs i played which is always a compliment as a DJ. there was a trio of drunk/high guys that were following me around like lost puppies after they were done shouting at lori in the dj booth, so i took this opportunity to make them humiliate themselves on the dance floor, and whenever one got too close to me on the dance floor i pointed at my wedding rings then pointed at my husband sitting ominously in the corner in the shadows. i didn't realize how much i missed djing, and it was awesome to have a bunch of my closest friends there for it.

moar )
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Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.

shits been really hectic with school/dad/being sick so i'm a bit slow to complete this final installment of superhappyfuntime.

highs and lows... i'm going to start with the lows so i can end on a not shitty note i think.

lows: )

highs: )


so all in all it wasn't a bad month. there were times when it was gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking, but there was certainly a silver lining to it all. hopefully this trend continues.
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Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.

i've been pretty sick with a sinus infection *and* walking pneumonia, so this has sort of fallen by the wayside, plus with the dad drama and school starting... you get the idea.

so goals... lets see here. i think i'll do it in a numbered entry like vince.

1. get better
2. get dad to the urologist, neurologist and get his home care set up
3. continue eating no fast food
4. convince husband to stop binge eating food that's awful for him
5. not fall behind in my lab hours
6. develop some sort of regular exercise routine. not anything earth shattering, just something to strengthen my lungs, maybe tone up a little since my weight is still under control.
7. not fall behind in any classes due to stupid shit
8. get plans for my graduation party and all the crap i have to do for commencement underway
9. have my LSAT test day registered
10. begin putting shit together for law school applications
11. get new tires (that ball is completely in the husband's court though, and he's not so good at remembering anything that doesn't directly have anything to do with him. plus his money management is totally out of whack - he got two new guns this weekend while i still need new tires and can't pay any of my bills...)
12. keep up with the housework
13. keep up with dad's housework until home care is underway


so basically, have no life, lol.
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Day 28 - Something that you miss.

i'm a bit late. beginning of the semester and all.

while my early 20's and teenage years kinda sucked, i miss the freedom i had. looking back, it was not a good thing - i had no structure, no discipline and no focus which ultimately ended up with me failing out of college the first time around and ending up in some pretty horrible situations. if i'd been more focused i'd have probably been done with my PhD or JD by now.

but i did have fun. i did whatever i wanted, which was probably not good either. i ended up hurting a lot of people and did a lot of things i'd never even dream of now (like dancing around naked on stage...). the naivete and "whatever" attitude allowed for some pretty unique experiences and employment opportunities. part of me wishes i could take it all back and do it again, only right, with the drive and determination i now possess, but the truth is - half of my education has come from the school of hard knocks, which i'd have never learned if i'd done things right. i know i won't be in my 40s thinking "i wish i'd have done this" or "i wish i'd have done that" because i did this and that. i did the hell out of it.

i guess i just miss the lack of the pressure that i feel now. i had very little pressure because i was such a fuck up no one really expected much from me. i enjoyed floating along, wasted, not having to be smart because everyone thought i was a drunk bimbo. i can't say i'd be able to keep up that facade these days, and i NEVER want to live those years again. a lot of horrible things happened in that time period, which probably flung me into that person i was, and i try desperately not to think about them in fear i'll go back to that dark place. but... you have to appreciate where you came from though, because it illuminates where you're going.
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you know its january when i get either a) pneumonia, b) a sinus infection or c) all of the above.

fuck you c.
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Day 27 - A problem that you have had.

what problem HAVEN'T i had?!

hmm... i think the most prevalent problem is that i want to help too much, and end up taking on all the responsibility - i have a problem saying no. case in point: the whole joey thing. i felt really bad for him when he lost his job he'd had for years, and i understood the ego blow it gave him so i just kept chugging along and keeping the household together. and kept doing it. and kept doing it. i'm sure there was a point where i said to myself "enough is enough! get another job already!" but i didn't want to start any fights, so i just kept going with it. it ended up being one of the major points in the end of us.

my brother is another person who takes advantage of this trait. that's how he ended up living with me when wyl and i split, because i just didn't say no even though my apartment was only 500 square feet. that's also how i ended up with my nephew this weekend while he did god knows what (supposedly working with his friend who does snow plowing).

justin, however, gets the opposite end of that, the poor guy. he's tried to beat into my head over and over again throughout the years that its okay to say no, and for some reason (i think because he's been so adamant about it) i can say no to him. i feel bad, because people that could really give two shits about me walk all over me, but the man who loves me enough to marry me gets stonewalled. i mean, i don't always say no, if he can make a good case for why i should say yes, i'll totally cave.

in employment, this was why i was always worn out. i'd just keep taking on more and more responsibility until i collapsed under it. i'm trying not to do that with school, but its hard to turn down good research opportunities, yanno?

so yeah, i have a hard time saying no.
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so it appears that the tweakbaby shall be resurrecting at the chamber january 21st for my 30th birthday.

in laymen's terms, it appears i will be manning the DJ booth with lori (dj nemesis) next friday at the chamber for my 30th birthday. word.
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i'm going to the VA doctor with dad today to make sense of some shit. i'm also going to advocate for him because i don't think the doctors really listen to him, i believe they think he exaggerates because if you haven't seen it yourself, it does seem pretty unprobable. we're going to find out what can be available to him in terms of money for the assisted living program because i can't be there 24/7, and even though my brother is, he doesn't do shit - yet texts me day and night making me cry and feel guilty for *not* being there taking care of everything. he just doesn't want to be bothered by it while he's busy leeching off of a dying man and not doing anything he said he would in terms of getting the orders out for the company. he just sits back in his room and smokes pot all day, or plays on the computer, or fucks his girlfriend. nevermind the fact that the man that has supported you your entire life is dying in a trailer unable to take care of himself. i'm still so fucking pissed i don't even have words to describe what i walked into yesterday, it was just unbelievable.

fucking piece of shit.
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