sprinkletheif: (motherfuckingassshitpiss!)
so i've been adjusting meds and such. i went off one med because it caused too many problems in my life regardless of how wonderfully it worked for me. then i had to go off my mood stabalizer because i got a horrid rash with nice oozing patches of yuck.

so then back to welbutrin, on a little baby dose to begin with since it's been abot 6 months since i've been on it. yeah, my brain chemistry laughs at 150mg. no mood stabalizer at this point as i refuse to go on lithium or depakote again, but i just got accepted into a patiient assistance program that will allow me to go back on topamax. so yeah, welbutrin and topamax. i you've been following my life, THIS IS THE COMBINATION I WAS ON THAT WORKED PERFECTLY FINE. then i lost my insurance and they were no longer available to me. i discovered wonderful patient assistance programs and now i'm going back to normal since i'm broke as fuck and qualify for them ten times over.

so yeah, 150mg of welbutrin is all i have. keep in mind i'm ultradian cycling bipolar 1 and schizoaffective which was a combination i didn't think was possible. i always thought you were one or the other, but hey what do i know. so here i am, trying my damndest to hold my shit together and feeling like i'm failing miserably. its like the harder i try, the harder people want to test me and try to make me explode. sometimes it just comes randomly, suprising even me.

so i get this brilliant idea to go grocery shopping today to put off housecleaning (any day off is spent cleaning my apartment) and to keep us from spending money on fast food. i decide to go to the fancy grocery store as they have more of the ethnic things i like to eat. i walk in and some asshole keeps standing in my way as i'm trying to push my cart through, staring at my tits. i try to go around and he moves in front of me. "i'm just tryin' to read your shirt!" (note, it says "u r a creep" lol) ::twitch twitch:: it begins.

i feel a familiar feeling of terror beginning to creep up in my chest that i haven't experienced in over a year. i try to get to the ginger root, there's some hill-jack SITTING, YES SITTING on the produce counter where i needed to go talking on his cell phone. i stood in front of him and tried to let him know i needed to get around him and he just kept talking on his phone. then he glares and says into his phone "i guess i better move now so princess can get her food" ::twitch twitch::

i just got there and by this time i'm hardly able to hide how bad i'm shaking. i try to get to the meat and there's an old lady standing where i need to be again. i remember from before that i just need to breathe and try to get around her. she pushes her cart into me, nailing my in the hipbone, letting me know she was there first and i needed to learn to respect my elders. NOT IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE THAT YOU STUPID COW!!!!

so i give up on the meat and head to the seafood, where the seafood clerks are standing in front of the freezer talking about how "i got this the other night and my friend ate it all because he was drunk, a-hyuck." i asked if i could get by and he just stared at me blankly then spouts off "you're hot, can i have your number?"

::twitch twitch::

things like this kept happening to me throughout the store and i have no idea why. children running out in front of me, i hit one and got into an argument with the parent about how they should keep a better eye on their child or next time it might be a car. i could never understand, they say, i don't have kids! first off, how dare you assume anythign about me you ignorant pantload, and second of all, how dare you breed! this woman followed me through most of my shopping trip with her gaggle of children SHOUtING OBSCENITIES AT ME! IN FRONT OF HER CHILDREN!!!

::twitch twitch::

this is where familiarity got the best of me.

the store suddenly became very small. all i could hear was that foul woman repeating skank over and over again and her kids yelling and screaming. i swear they were running in front of me on purpose now. i started shaking so bad i couldn't hold on to my cart anymore and just stood there trying to take a deep breath. it woudln't happen, it hurt to breathe. my chest felt compressed and this woman would not let up.

so, my friends, in the middle of giant eagle, in front of one of the most digusting human beings i've ever encountered, children screaming, people stopping to look at what was going on - talking amongst themselves, i have no idea what they were saying, a crowd gathers around us... i collapse.

everything is a bit blury for a few seconds, maybe it was minutes, i don't know, this really large man in a tan shrt and black apron is grabbing my arm. he's crouched down saying something, handing me tissues. i realize i'm hiding under the frozen food counter, the woman in her size 80 stretch pants threatening to pop her fupa like a pimple is freaking out "give her some air, giver her some air!"

i looked up at the nice gentleman who was pushing my hair out of my face and he says, "c'mon, lets get you out of here." the manager opened a register for me and the man scanned my groceries i *did* manage to get and gave me a 10% discount for my troubles. he walked me to my car and asked if i had anyone to call... i didn't have my phone... i just sat in my car and rocked for a while until i could breathe again.

so now, about an hour later i think i'm ready to go to the little giant eagle to get what i couldn't get at this big one. this time i took a seroquel and i'm going to walk as it's right in front of my building. wish me luck.

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sprinklethief

February 2012

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