(no subject)

the past few months, my health has declined more than it ever has in my whole life. sometimes i wonder what i would do if i had time that i *wasn't* in pain. i seriously don't think i would know how to act, what to do, but i still fantasize.

i think i would start hugging people again. i've gotten out of the habit because it hurts so bad sometimes. then, i think i'd lay in bed with joey for hours just cuddling, knowing that i wouldn't have to move every 5 minutes and ruin the relaxation of it. i would shake hands more often. i would read a book, knowing that i won't have to interrupt the story to re-situate how i'm sitting/laying. i would sleep through the night because i wouldn't be waking up every half-hour to an hour to move because something hurts. i'd run. i'd roll around in leaf piles. i'd paint again because i won't be shaking from pain. i'd fly a kite. i'd wrestle joey like the good ol' days. i'd swing on a swing and jump off. i'd buy a pair of shoes you have to tie and untie every time you take them off or put them on. i'd buy shirts with buttons. i'd pin my own name tag on my work shirt. i'd flush my pain meds (even though i've been refusing to take them. just to know i didn't NEED them anymore would bring piece of mind). i'd breathe. i'd stretch out every part of me across our king sized bed. i'd skateboard again. i'd run with niklas through the park.

i'd live.


this is not life. this isn't even death. i've somehow managed to go to hell without ever dying.