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this account will self destruct soon. i've recreated it with the correct name, sprinklethief. please add.
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new journal is new.
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i don't really believe in new year's resolutions. i do believe in making a promise to yourself, however. i don't need an arbitrary date to do so, but after the past year, it seems fitting to wipe the slate clean.

i'm sick of feeling sick. i'm tired of feeling tired.

in two weeks i will be 31 years old. in my 31 years i've had over 11 surgeries/procedures on my spine. i've had well over 20 orthopedic surgeries/procedures period. i take more medications daily than everyone i know, including my father. people tell me that they feel sorry for me when they see me, not how good it is to see me. i don't get goodbyes, i get "i hope you feel better soon" instead. i have to choose every day whether i'm going to use what little energy i have to either try to bathe or try to make dinner.

this stops now.

i recognize i'm in the middle of the worse flare i have ever had. i have a good poker face, but i know people have seen it glean across me in public, which i try my damnedest to hide. but this seriously cannot be how my life will continue. i'm not making a resolution that will be broken by the next food binge or the next beer indulgence. this supersedes the superficial. no, i'm resolving - to myself - to fix this. i will somehow get medical help. i will somehow get back into physical therapy and learn to walk correctly again. i will run again. i will wean off of as many meds as i can. i will find a way because no one - no one - should have to live like this.
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still alive, still pushing forward, still jobless. justin is still playing games. i'm still just letting it roll off like water off a duck's back. my credit is pretty much decimated now because of him, just another lovely parting gift. whatever, yanno? one day things will be straight again, but until then i just have to bear down and endure.

bear down and endure.
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a friend committed suicide this weekend, just found out today.

i'm kind of numb, to tell you the truth. my phone has been ringing off the hook, my AIM going crazy, my facebook messenger popping up left and right... i'm apparently the go-to for this kind of thing.

i really haven't had a lot of time to reflect on this as of yet, which is why i guess i'm over here on LJ. i know a lot of people didn't like her for whatever reason, but i totally identify with her struggle, and i simply adored her. she was bipolar, not on meds because she had no health insurance. the cathartic ups and the catastrophic downs... i couldn't imagine trying to tackle that without meds. i'm proud of her for making it *this* far.

i really wish i could have done something more. her boyfriend is completely destroyed. her close friends are somehow shocked even though she'd warned of it often. she hinted to it toward the end of the week last week, but none of us thought anything of it.

her facebook status from saturday read "not a particularly huge fan of fear" shortly before it happened...

not particularly a huge fan..

what does that mean? was she scared? was she numb?

i don't even know. this year... this year has been severely fucked up for most of the people i know in some way or another. she was no exception.

i guess what i do now is offer support, prod people for *good* memories so that they don't dwell on the end... and just be the den mother of the chamber that i've become. my kids need me, my friends need me. here i am guys, talk to me!
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i feel like someone kicked me in the vagina. just thought you all should know.
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strange possible form of employment on the horizon... old habits die hard, i suppose... i'm curious to see how this pans out. it would certainly be an easy way to keep myself afloat while i look for *actual* work in my field and/or continue my schooling...

i need to find something ASAP... i can't handle bill collectors calling every half hour:

me: "sorry, my husband ran out on the household, so i have no money to give you. or to eat."

them: "i'm sorry to hear that ma'am, but you owe us $50."

me: "if i had $50 i'd buy food first..."

them: "well you could use it to pay your bill, then use the card to buy groceries!"

me: "huh, with my interest rate and your fees, that would leave me with roughly $30 to buy groceries. how does that work out to be the better decision?"

them: ::silence::
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so finding a job when you haven't had one in a while? not so easy. especially when you find out companies discriminate against people who don't have current jobs.

i'm currently about $1000 behind, my electric will be turned off soon, my credit cards are all overdue and i cannot afford my meds when this month's batch runs out. if it weren't for ramen and trader joe's, i'd be starving. the person who left me like this was supposed to help since he abandoned me without warning, but now he refuses to answer and emails, phone calls or text messages. i'm seriously about to start taking shit to pawn shops. i have a killer bass amp that would hurt to get rid of, and a great deal of CD's i've already burned copies of. i'm about to go through all the boxes he left here for me to take care of until he "gets around to coming to get them" and start hocking shit since it's his fault i'm in this position.

i'm just furious, i guess. yeah, my life is much better without him, but some warning would have been nice. i wish i could just walk away from my responsibilities scott free.

unfortunately, i'm a grown-up.
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well i'm still alive.

i'm finally fixing all the little things in the apartment that were messed up and/or broken. i still get a pretty hefty discount off rent because there are major things that need fixed that i am incapable of, but hell - i'll totally deal with a broken balcony banister and shitty stone/drywall work in exchange for cheap rent. it's really starting to feel like home now. i guess this place hadn't been occupied in 5 years. the old owner sued her husband in a divorce and bought a bunch of property then moved to california, telling her tennants to fix their own problems. one by one they slowly left, and she never bothered to find replacements. because of this my kitchen plumbing rotted out, so i have to kitchen sink. the new landlord/owner is running a new line though, and i fixed the bathroom sink myself once i discovered it was tapped into a separate line that *wasn't* rotted out. i feel kind of awesome for that.

i didn't realize just how much useless clutter justin was responsible for. it was stifling and i didn't even realize it. he seriously had a basement full of boxes useless junk that hadn't been opened in years, and was incapable of organizing much past "organized chaos" at times. my belongings are just above the "bare minimum" level, and i'm really liking the simplicity. the place really is quite awesome, very unique. i guess this whole building used to be offices, so the apartments are laid out really strange, but good strange.

other than that, i'm in the middle of the first wicked AS flare i've had in quite some time. i was to the point that i was wearing both hand/wrist braces, knee braces and pondering the ankle braced. after cranking up the AC and icing everything i'm feeling a bit better. i'm cleaning/fixing stuff in stages now so as not to welcome another waxing of achy, swelly inflammation.

so... things are slowly coming together and recovering. i made a promise years ago to never stop moving forward, and that's exactly what i intend to do.
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i... i don't even have words right now.

i'm... i'm in a really weird place... ambivalence is a bitch.

i think i'll go to sleep. this seems as though it may be the best solution, albeit temporary. the world - the love, the pain, the hate, the happiness... it's all still there in the morning...
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i haven't slept well in weeks, maybe even months at this point. i feel like my body has no regard for my brain and someone else is in control. i feel like i want to jump out of my skin, kinda like the feeling you get from withdrawal. i feel really strung out, tired, but i just.can't.sleep. my body is vehemently against me getting any rest as well as fine motor function and sitting still. twitch. twitch. jerk. jerk. heart palpitation. then nothing for a while, until i start to relax, then twitch. jerk. flail.

god this blows.
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i am officially a college graduate, the first of this generation of reddens AND manusks as well as dooleys. i keep checking the university web page to make sure it's still there... so awesome.
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sometimes you discover a level of anger and hatred in your blood that you never thought possible. you want to destroy everything. you want to brutally maim the whole fucking world. you want everyone to die and for once you don't feel remorse for it. you want everyone to feel how much rage is flowing through you, you want to ruin everyone's fucking day, rattle their fucking cages, force them to look at themselves and stop lying to themselves. you want to scream out the thoughts you keep quiet so you don't hurt anyone. you want to call everyone out on their bullshit, in front of everyone else. you want to set the fucking world on fire.

i just want to fucking destroy.
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okay, so my handwriting just randomly became completely illegible. wtf?!?!

seriously, WTF?!? )

ETA: okay... so now it's fine. did i just have a stroke? lol.


Apr. 20th, 2011 10:20 am
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could you guys answer a couple questions for me for research i'm working on? here:

[Poll #1732002]
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so after years of being seizure free, i think i'm back in the seizure boat. i haven't really been able to sleep because i keep jerking myself awake. like violent jerks. the shaking in my hands and legs has gotten almost out of control. it's like someone else is controlling my body for split second intervals, and there isn't shit i can do about it. i'm so fucking tired, but sleep is near impossible. i got one in my arm while holding a beer the other day and i threw it against the wall. i might add that it was totally full. i punched myself in the face doing homework. i bashed my head into the wall at the head of our bed. this is fucking ridiculous.
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i.... have so much to say, but i'm drunk. as soon as i sober up i'll go back to being all buckled up inside. i wish i was as adept at enunciating what's in my head when i am drunk as i seem to be when more sentient.

until then, this beck's is for you, LJ.
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omg you guys, i have to share this. so i've been limping around all injured and shit, popping tylenol, aleve, ibuprofen, staying off my feet, wearing my braces. i've been going NUTS not being able to run. today i tried to do a slight jog in my nice, pseudo-expensive running shoes - no go. i retreated to the gazelle for my cardio (not nearly as rewarding. WHERE'S MY RUNNER'S HIGH?!?). the half-mile jog i did severely irritated my knees, so i decided to try this remedy i've heard so much about but haven't remembered to apply. i usually just resort to the usual suspects as far as over the counter pain relief, but i went out on a limb. it was crazy! i nodded off for like a half hour at most, and i could suddenly walk when i woke up! it was insane! no limping, nothing! god, what was that shit called... uhhh... oh yeah... ICE. i feel like such a moron. AS = problem with inflammation. inflammation = ice to make it go away. can i get a hurr? possibly a durr? so i've been missing my daily workout for almost a week because i forgot to apply ice to my inflamed knees. IQ of 168? yeah, i'm thinking the tests were wrong...

man down

Mar. 1st, 2011 07:14 pm
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i now have my first official sports related injury in a decade - i apparently hyperextended my knee. 10 points for grace.
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okay, so today? i feel like someone smacked me in the face with a fist full of ragweed. my calves are a little sore, my knees think i'm a dickhead, but other than that adding that extra mile on didn't seem to have too much of an adverse effect. i'm guessing the sinus issues have more to do with the freak thunderstorms than exercising...

i also have to write an 8 - 10 page paper telling my legacy to the incoming freshman class, and i have no idea what to say. they're never going to see it, it's just to get out of taking orientation since i never took it, and now i'm 30 and about to graduate, so i can obviously navigate life...

and i have to write a thesis for my 10 page research paper for the forensic psych lab...

fun times at fort davis.
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